Relational Presence Journalog

Welcome! This is a conversation among people who are hooked on the practice of Relational Presence and want to bring more of it into communication and relationship, and others who are curious about how to gently dissolve the illusion of separation that leads to self-consciousness and anxiety in front of groups. Here we talk about victories, challenges, inspiration and insight in the realm of responsible expression.

For background, read my story, The Genesis of Relational Presence.

The posts below start with the most recent. Please join the conversation by pressing "Comments" under the most recent post, rather than under this one or under older posts. If you'd like to get updates whenever anyone contributes to the conversation, subscribe via email or a feed reader using one of the links in the upper right corner.

Lee Glickstein, Founder, Speaking Circles International, February 26, 2009

Charisma Comes of Age

From Relational Presence Journal, April 2010

Most of the people I work with are over 40, and I am becoming a connoisseur of seasoned charisma.

Charisma has a bad name in some circles because in its unripe state it can show up as manipulative charm.

But in its fully developed form, charisma is a quality of magnetic presence synonymous with character.

Defined as "a spiritual power or personal quality that gives an individual influence or authority over large numbers of people," true charisma is the key to masterful teaching and business success.

Those attracted to the Relational Presence approach to communication expand into their natural magnetism by becoming "easygoing in the not knowing."

You see, true charisma is the opposite of knowing it all with ready answers. Rather, it is about holding a luxuriously open space that naturally brings out the best in everyone, including oneself. By necessity, this starts with sensing the common ground in any room or conversation before saying a word.

And the common ground is literally the ground beneath your feet.

Last month's newsletter article (see below) was "Speak from your Feet." True charisma is about listening from your feet; holding the others in the room or in the conversation with positive regard from the center of the earth without trying to control the outcome.

From this rock solid place, years of experience and mastery in your expertise and passion eloquently flow forth from the gift that you are, unfiltered by performance anxiety or technique.

Authentic charisma, far from being a "soft skill," translates into real world personal and professional power. The resulting relational ease brings rock-solid confidence and effectiveness to all your critical communications, both one-on-one and with groups. Your magnetism increases as you inspire trust in others, because you completely trust yourself when you speak, and when you listen.

You can grow into your natural charisma one step at a time, and you might start with this sound file of last month's teleclass, in which I rant and rave from the center of the earth about the alchemy of Relational Presence.

"Speak from your Feet"

March 2010 newsletter article by Lee Glickstein

In the two weeks since speak from your feet has become my new mantra, my sense of Relational Presence -- and how I teach it -- has reached new depths ... and heights.

Imagine opening a talk with your feet grounded into the floor like a 2-pronged electric plug, and taking a full, leisurely breath as you let gravity drop your presence and your energy all the way down to the center of Earth.

Taking these first 15 seconds, before you say a word, is how anxiety drains away from you and your listeners. It signals them to drop down and meet you, energetically, at the absolute center of Earth where gravity takes us all. It's the law!

With your energy coursing down through your body, your words naturally resonate from your belly, from your essence, down into the Earth (the Mother conductor), and up through the body and soul of your listeners.  This is how you bypass everyone's monkey mind.

The underground connection is where the human thirst for belonging is quenched, where trust is nourished, where essential listening and learning take root, where anxiety and self-consciousness dissolve.

To speak and listen from this place is necessary and sufficient to master communication, both personal and business, one-on-one and with groups. The public speaking format is simply an ideal arena to practice this Relational Presence "muscle" with support.

As humans, we tend to go in and out of this connected place. When I am with someone who is testing my patience by "speaking from their head," I think, listen from your feet and immediately drop down and feel the connection, sole-to-sole as it were. This relaxes me and often elevates their part of the conversation.

Similarly, every moment I remember to speak from my feet in front of a group, the elevator goes down and my body and being fills with a profound relaxation from knowing there is no need to push anything.

This is how we allow the pleasure of our company to fill the room, thus facilitating their pleasure in being with us. And that's when they listen and learn most effectively.

Getting to this place takes practice. If you cannot get to a Speaking Circle or weekend training, tools are available through these archived newsletter articles, articles on the website, and videos on the YouTube SpeakingCircles channel.

Drop Down and Power Up

From the February 2010 RP Journal, by Lee Glickstein

Your first 15 seconds in front of a group--whether giving a talk or opening a meeting or training--presents an extraordinary opportunity to meet your audience at the one point in time and in space you all share in common.

The time is the moment, and the place is the center of the earth. As you practice being an expansive, inviting presence when all eyes are suddenly upon you, anxiety dissolves. Effective communicators know that 90% of their mastery is about where they "come from" before a word is spoken. I come from the center of the earth, and so can you. Relational Presence practice taught me how to do that in front of any size group, as well as one-on-one.

You see, when we surrender to gravity, our root energy drops down, down, down to the precise magnetic center of the earth. It's the law! When you allow this to happen, which, with practice takes less than 15 seconds, it's like flipping a light switch that taps you into the full power of the room. Your listeners start breathing more deeply and relaxing down, down, down to join you playing toe-sies at the center of the earth.

From here, you cannot help but see the striking beauty of their souls shining through their eyes. If you don't see this, you are working too hard to make something happen. Remember, your job is be, not do, which does take practice.

Your words then arise and resonate as if from within your listeners. As you remain in Relational Presence with one person at a time, your entire talk flows from your authentic self and they more receptive listeners and learners in the expanded moment.

As I ask Speaking Circle participants to drop down to the center of the earth before saying a word, no matter how long it takes, newcomers are dissolving anxiety naturally and finding the sweet spot faster, and oldcomers are finding new life in the depth. Does this "soft" way of public speaking work in the real world? I have heard concerns that Relational Presence is an approach too soft for business presentations. But the softness is in the supportive learning environment, while the skill learned will work with any presentation style in any situation. When I am teaching in the "real world" I find myself being bold and businesslike, demonstrative and precise, and without the extended silences that are part of the step-by-step practice encouraged in a training. The real world situation brings out exactly what is called for in the moment once you learn to trust yourself and allow the flow to happen naturally.

We have heard how Relational Presence works in court under antagonistic cross-examination, in high pressure interviews and negotiations, and on the highest levels of professional speaking.  You might say that coming from the center of the earth is bottom line communication.

Clarify and Amplify Your Professional Presence

From the January 2010 RP Journal, by Lee Glickstein

To a healthy and prosperous 2010!

Business and career fruition is largely the result of what I call professional presence. That is, your value in the world of commerce is determined by the pleasure of your company (personal presence), how you hold what you know, and the clarity and verve with which you express yourself.

Your expertise itself is the least of the equation, which explains why some of the most brilliant people do not attract business or get the best jobs, while others who do one thing well (and not necessarily superlatively) prevail.

Step One: Attune and Expand your Personal Presence

Shy and painfully self-conscious, I had no real sense of personal presence for my first 45 years, surviving as a typist and then a word processor. Twenty years ago I started becoming aware of this (non)thing called presence which has since become my life passion and study. I came to realize I was out of touch with my own presence because I'd spent my first months and years of life around people who were seldom present to me or aware of my true nature. This led to debilitating self-consciousness, stage fright, and life fright.

Out of desperation to "have a life," I founded a practice to get (and give) the attentive listening so many of us need in order to recover the natural flow of our authentic expression. That practice is called Relational Presence, which is attunement of personal presence to the presences of those around us, one person at a time. To get there I needed to stand in the anxiety of not-knowing in front of a supportive group, time after time, until it became an adventure. Then the pleasure of community expanded to fill the room and became more interesting to me than what I might have to say. Only then would my words flow and resonate with sense and impact.

So masterful personal presence is based on how you hold what you don't know.

Step Two: Clarify and Amplify Professional Presence

When doing flows from being, you have the capacity to speak and facilitate effortlessly as the situation arises. Expressing yourself without self-consciousness is how you fulfill your purpose and make a real difference in the world.

Tools for Developing Your Presence

For a reality check on the state of your personal presence, gaze gently into your eyes in a mirror for a full minute and see how effortless and pleasurable it is to be with yourself. If you experience stress or want to look away, the good news is that you have isolated an obstacle directly in the path of your professional development. If so, do the mirror exercise every day and over the months it will work wonders.

Other tools for developing this primary "muscle" of presence are linked in this newsletter and on the website, many of them free.

Some wonderful things want to happen for you in 2010. Why not be fully present for them?

Open and Structure a Masterful Talk

From the December 2009 RP Journal, by Lee Glickstein

Once your priority in front of any group is to be with your listeners in Relational Presence, specific content gets much easier to plan. Here's an article about how to open and structure a masterful talk. Below I expand on the all-important first 30 seconds, the ideal opportunity to establish a sustainable relationship with your audience.

After being introduced, the first mistake most speakers make is to start to talk the moment the applause ends. The second mistake is to open with a joke, a provocative statement, or a social nicety.

Establishing a sustainable relationship calls for at least one full breath (no less than 10 seconds) of silence after the applause ends, to honor the moment, the occasion, and your listeners. (Not the technique of a "pregnant pause," but an authentically transparent receptivity that allows everyone in the room to arrive, including you.)

Then, an opening line most likely to bring the room to rapt attention is a sentence that sets up a one-minute story of an "aha!" turning point moment from your life. That sentence wants to be delivered conversationally, clearly, not dramatized, with precisely enough information to allow your listeners to visualize a scene (as in a movie) where the action is just about to start.

Then another full breath (yes, another 10 seconds) that signals everyone (including yourself) to make the pilgrimage to that moment. This 3-part "hello" (breath, sentence, breath) determines your first impression. When you master this 30-second dance, your capacity for what is called "public speaking" will fall into place beyond your wildest dreams.

Do read the article linked above for the rest of the opening sequence and structure of an effective talk. Here is an example of the real world power of such an opening. Twenty-five years ago I was at a networking meeting where the featured 10-minute speaker, a CPA, opened like this:

"[Full breath] When I was a child, most nights I would hear my parents arguing loudly well into the night. [Full breath] I would calm myself by counting sheep, imagining numbers on their sides. The numbers would go into the thousands, so I grew up with a sense of relaxation around large numbers. Eventually I became an accountant, and I love to relax my clients around their numbers."

I was not the only one in the room attracted to work with this man who was far from dynamic, but transparently real. He became my accountant for 15 years, then my financial adviser when he shifted careers.

So what's your story?

Cellular-Level Communication

From the October 2009 RP Journal, where Lee links the Spontaneous Evolution theme to Selling with Integrity:

[If you missed my recent column on Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and How to get There from Here, see articles below. This is also the place to find RP Journal articles for the past several months.]

We each consist of what Bruce Lipton, scientist and co-author of Spontaneous Evolution, calls a "metropolis of 50 trillion citizens, the cells in our body, which could each be considered sentient beings in their own right, yet they act together as a community."

Each of our cells has its own nervous, digestive, respiratory, musculoskeleton, reproductive, and immune systems. Our cells interact with each other in perfect harmony and wellness through their semi-permeable membranes, which allow nutrients to flow in and out without losing their individual integrity.

Each of our cells is to our being as our being is to the evolving harmonious organism called Humanity, of which each of us is a cell. On this level, the equivalent of the semi-permeable membrane is, I assert, Relational Presence!

We are not in RP with another when our psychic membrane is inclined toward being (1) impermeable (defended wall or armor) or (2) too permeable (mushy with no boundaries). RP is the soft but firm balance point where we mingle our energies without losing our individuality. This makes us extremely safe to be with.

Cellular-Level Selling

Executive coach Bob Bates says that Relational Presence practice has had as much positive effect on his sales as it has in his speaking. He told me:

"We all like to buy but nobody likes to be sold to. People know when they're getting the sales thing, and Relational Presence is a great way to take you out of the equation as the seller and just connect with the other person."

"When you go into heavy content in a sales situation with one or two people, it's a turnoff. If you bring out a brochure or a laptop with PowerPoint to sell something, people hate it. Selling these days requires that you get off of 'I'm going to tell you why you want to buy from me, why I'm so important to you,' and start with real connection and see what comes up.

"I'm not going to take my hand completely off the wheel; you have to have a bit of an agenda in sales of course, but when I just remember that we're in this together, that takes a lot pressure off of sales."

If selling yourself or your service is of particular interest to you, don't miss my 15-minute interview of Sharon Drew Morgen, NYT best selling author of Selling With Integrity.

Sharon Drew provides specifics around how to sell services like coaching or therapy without leaving Relational Presence!

Relational Laughter

"The best way to face the unknown is by not knowing." Swami Beyondananda

Those who've read Be Heard Now! know that 25 years ago I was an aspiring perspiring stand-up comic with terminal stage fright. Dying in front of groups drove me to find an organic way out of the fear and inspired the advent of Speaking Circles in which to practice Relational Presence. One of the delightful by-products of this practice is the healing laughter that often arises in a room when the person up front is "easy-going in the not knowing" with one person at a time.

This discovery led me in the mid-'90's to creating a position as director of the Humor in Medicine program at California Pacific Medical Center, and becoming a humorist/speaker on the healing power of laughter. Two events earlier this month brought me full circle back to my laughter roots:

* November 13 in Columbus, Ohio, I presented a program in Relational Presence/Relational Laughter at an advanced training for the World Laughter Tour. WLT trains Certified Laughter Leaders for Wake Up Laughing: An Insider's Guide to the Cosmic Comedy. Swami is the alter ego of Steve Bhaerman, co-author of Spontaneous Evolution, a seminal work I have been writing about the past few months. (See the RP blog if you missed these columns.)

Steve's book focuses on the cosmic nuances of comedy, and the four stages of "fool-realization" ... where love and innocence are re-integrated into the mental aspects of humor. I saw Swami perform last month and was delighted to find that his nonstop wordplay packs an emotional wallop with an edge of hilarity. This edge derives from a Buddhist mindset that allows him to play an easy-going know-it-all while fooly embracing the unknown.

The learning: Masterful communicators do not mask the reality that, brilliant as they are, there is plenty more they don't know than they do know. So ... being easy-going in the not knowing -- aah! -- that's the work.

In light and laughter,
Lee

Spontaneous Evolution

I've fallen in love with a book that launched last week, a seminal work that I am rejoicing in and want to introduce to everyone I know.

Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There from Here provides a scientific context for Relational Presence while telling an irresistible story about the evolution of humanity into a cooperative organism of which we are the cells.

The book is by Bruce Lipton, scientist, and Steve Bhaerman, cosmic humorist you may know as Swami Beyondananda. Read the 11 pages of the Preface, Introduction, and Preamble included in this link to see if it calls to you like it calls to me.

Or stay with me while I rave, first with a quote from Gregg Braden, New York Times best-selling author of The Divine Matrix and Fractal Time:

"Spontaneous Evolution is the life-map we've all been waiting for! With just the right blend of spiritual humor and rock-solid science, Bruce Lipton and Steve Bhaerman cast a holistic new light on an emerging new civilization. They lead us beyond collapsing economies and religious extremes to show us that such chaos is a natural step in an unfolding process, rather than the tragic end to a broken planet. Once we recognize the big picture, the choices to a better life and a better world become obvious. The guiding role of Spontaneous Evolution is where our teachings of life, history, and civilization should begin."

The authors will excuse me for simplifying the science they spend 350 beautiful pages developing, but.....

Each of us is a community of 50 trillion cells living in harmony and peace, each with its own nervous, digestive, respiratory, musculoskeleton, reproductive, and immune systems. The irrepressible course of evolution brings us to the stage where humanity itself is evolving into a cooperative organism in which each of us is a cell. To get there, all systems and institutions based on separation, materialism, and other false beliefs must crumble. Have you noticed this is happening? The crisis is like that within a growing caterpillar where the system is failing and doom is impending.

"From within the dying population [within the caterpillar], a new breed of cells begins to emerge, called imaginal cells. Clustering in community, they devise a plan to create something entirely new from the wreckage. Out of the decay arises a great flying machine--a butterfly..... Here is the amazing thing: the caterpillar and the butterfly have the exact same DNA. they are the same organism but are receiving and responding to a different organizing signal." [From the Introduction]

The authors do not promise or even forecast a happy ending, but they know that when a critical mass of humans receive, believe, tell each other, and know this story in their cells, spontaneous evolution is plausible.

Hearing and sharing in our own words the meta-story of spontaneous evolution is where the alchemy arises and where my attention is. As humanity evolves into a cooperative organism of which we are the cells, an approach to communication is evolving undistracted by the illusion of separation. Relational Presence is ultimately about absolute cooperation with our listeners; speaking within the Oneness of the organism we are we emit a steady signal of inclusion, belonging, pleasure and ease underneath our words and silences.

After all, speaking and listening from the illusion of separation is the cause of anxiety, inauthenticity, contraction. Dissolving that false belief is a primary way of playing an active role in the evolution of humanity toward taking flight as a cooperative organism.

I've barely scratched the surface of the world opening up to me through Spontaneous Evolution. For now I'll close with the words of Rabbi Michael Lerner: "This book charts a path for a global 'up-wising' that could save us from planetary disaster."

Fountain of Youth

Relational Presence practice takes 10-20 years off your age. Don't believe it? View this new video of your 65-year old host introducing Relational Presence as a spiritual practice with tremendous professional development benefits.

Looking younger is nice, but flowing with vibrant and adaptable energy is the main event. When contraction of the real self is no longer an issue, you are free to continually reinvent yourself to fit economic conditions and other external variables.

Relational Presence dissolves the contractions associated with fears of living one's essential being out loud. When you practice "co-presence" with one human at a time whether you are only with one or in front of one thousand, you experience your essential equality with the Other. Any other. Every other.

As your mind is conditioned to do less and less one-upping and one-downing, especially in groups, your energy is liberated more for service than evaluation. This will keep you young!

There are abundant tools on the website and on the Speaking Circles YouTube channel for you to practice RP at no cost.

"Hold Me In Your Eyes"

There is an effortless way to hold others in our eyes that allows them to instantly feel seen and heard and brings out their best, and our best.

We can develop this capacity for Relational Presence (RP) by exercising it as if it were a muscle. Such practice liberates the gift of our presence and the pleasure of our company.

Since finding an effective way to develop Relational Presence through interactive video, I have been hearing from people around the world about how much they crave to be held gently in the eyes of others, and to provide such holding.

The pace of life is obviously quickening. The lure of email and electronic networking is powerful. As communications grow more impersonal, opportunity for warm human eye connection is less available. I find I need to ask for it by name.

When I say "Hold me in your eyes" or "I am holding you in my eyes, stay with me," people understand and soften. They know exactly what I mean. Even a brief interlude in this frame of reference raises the quality of life and brings out our best.

Who in your life can you can you ask for such holding? And to how many others can you provide it?

Let me know how it goes.