"Something So Right" -- Koos' Story

Koos Wolcken, European Training Director of Speaking Circles International, was inspired by my story posted on this JournaLog (The Genesis of Relational Presence) to write his story. Can you relate? Perhaps you will be inspired to write your story.

For the right background Music: Paul Simon, "Something So Right"

They’ve got a wall in China
Its a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners they made it strong
And I’ve got a wall around me
That you cant even see
It took a little time
To get next to me

I was 9 years old when the big trauma in my life happened. I was sent away from home to stay in an asthma centre in the east of our country, the Netherlands. It felt like abandonment and that I was punished by my parents for being different than the others. When they went home and left me behind I cried and cried for hours and then there where no more tears and I started building my wall.

It was a good wall, solid foundation, and it became stronger and bigger with the years. It was created out of magical stuff because others couldn't see the real me; it was transparent so that the real me could see through ... and see the world I no longer felt a part of. My life of separation had officially started. Nobody got near me and I got near nobody, and that suited me fine.

For about 2 years that felt good; exactly the 2 years I had to stay at the centre. Then I got permission to go home again, return to paradise. But I had changed -- my perception of the world was now filtered by the wall. Paradise no longer existed. I returned to the address where my parents and brothers lived, but I never returned home. I was lost for 32 years and created a few wrong turns in career choice and a major burnout as a final wake up call.

I was lucky to find a NLP life coach with a warm heart and a clever mind. He paced my resistance and waited and waited lovingly and patiently until I was desperate and brave enough to risk peeping my head out above my wall. And that was the moment I decided to stop my wanderings and return home. My route led me to NLP -- I signed up for a practitioners course where I started to update the maps I had made of the world. The cracks in my wall became wider and wider. Then I experienced something we now call Relational Presence, it was scary as hell and it gave me hope at the same time. I was no longer alone, there were other people to Be With. And through them, I could finally connect and be with me. So this became my new road: NLP, coaching and Relational Presence. I moved from burnout and absolute fear via Relational Presence to sometimes flow and pure bliss with an audience.

In the last 10 years I have facilitated many Speaking Circles. At first out of pure self interest, since I needed others to create a circle in which I could re-experience that sense of belonging I craved for. Then my motives shifted, and it felt good to share these moments and experiences with others who had similar needs. Somewhere along that road of discovery I found my self being a real facilitator, even a trainer of facilitators. I’ve also become a NLP trainer and a professional Health and Life Coach. All 3 share a common foundation: Relational Presence. Somehow my wall, my pitfall, my craving has transformed itself into my essence and through me and my work into environments of growth and well being. And now at the age of almost 53 I’ve finally come home.

Koos

Comments

[Doreen Hamilton]

I can identify with what Koos has written about keeping himself hidden. I have come to see that part of my initial motivation in picking psychology as a profession was that my work would involve always focusing on the needs of others. In getting a Ph.D, I could easily encase myself with a degree that covered my insecurities. Nobody could guess that I harbored a deep fear of speaking. How ironic it was that I helped people overcome their anxiety and learn how to express themselves.

When a conference organizer asked me to give a speech, I declined and told him I was too afraid to speak in front of groups. He looked stunned and said, "but Dr. Hamilton, isn't fear your business?" That was the turning point.

Luckily, with Speaking Circles I not only dissolved my stage fright, but I found a connection to my inner essence--the part that I had been been hiding. What a joy to discover the ongoing natural source of my own strength.

[Sahara Chaldean]

Hey Koos~

You’ve got me thinking about my “wall”. I don’t know for certain when putting up the “wall” began for me; probably right after being born and being separated from my twin and mother and placed in an incubator. Back then, they strapped babies down in the incubators.

For me this “wall” of invisibility was built and reinforced by a place in me that didn’t feel seen or heard. I was convinced no one cared enough to ask me what I thought or felt. Therefore, I hid all my longing to be noticed. And if and when anyone did notice me, I had a very difficult time taking the attention in.

Whenever I had any impulse to share myself in any way, I would squelch it. Instead, I became very good at being the listener in all social arenas.

Luckily, my soul has been continually driven to dissolve my self made illusion and redeem my voice and presence, despite my many ingrained fears of losing control, being shamed or rejected.

Many of the life practices I have discovered for myself have propelled me to a clearer
recognition of my innate beauty and willingness to be seen for who I really am. But, none have been as transforming as the compassionate transcending nature of practicing
Relational Presence! I have never been held in such positive and appreciative regard as I have been standing in front of a Speaking Circle. Each time, whether I’m facilitating or being a participant, I come face to face with the magnificence of my True Nature. And in that moment I have no impulse to hide, just to shine.

~Sahara