Relational Presence Journalog

Public Speaking Anxiety is a Godsend

We come into this world as fully expressive bundles of divine energy, but as relational beings we need our divinity mirrored back in order for us to fulfill our unique expression on earth.

After our physiological and safety needs are met, our need for belonging through such mirroring is paramount. (See Maslow's hierarchy_of_needs.)

Those with eyesight get this mirroring through the intimate gaze of one or more adults. The availability of such mirroring in early years determines how strongly we sense that we belong in our body, in our family, and in the world, and how fearlessly and responsibly we express ourselves as we grow.

When my dad was not too distracted to look at me at all, he shot daggers of blame and shame into my eyes. My mom's eyes, usually available to me, reflected pity for my plight and sadness for her own, along with a pull on me to merge with her.

Most of us were born into a world in which the illusion of separation was the norm, so we were seen as the Other rather than the divine manifestation of the One that is the reality of who we are. What we needed in large doses were receptive eyes, soft gazes signifying: "I am here for you. I see you, I hear you. There is nothing to do, nothing to perform. You don't have to smile or delight me to keep me here. Just being with you and breathing together is my great pleasure."

To the extent such unconditional welcome was not available to us in what I have come to call Relational Presence, the eyes of others became an unsafe place in which to rest, and we grew up with some degree of self-consciousness, anxiety, avoidance and/or aggressiveness around meeting eyes.

Until I was 45 years old I was painfully self-conscious, with no idea how to let myself "be seen" or how to gently and steadily hold another in my eyes. You might say that "windows of my soul" were boarded up, complicating attempts to express myself clearly and have authentic relationships.

Psychotherapy and spiritual exploration had given me the intellectual understanding that I was not alone, and the capacity to cope and achieve some degree of success in the world. I became good at acting as if I was doing just fine while alienated within.

The place where I couldn't "hold it together" at all was in front of any group, where I was frozen in terror no end.

Looking back I now understand why that was necessarily so, and also why that particular terror was the Godsend that transformed my life.

Why public speaking anxiety is inevitable

Any unease you may have in being truly seen by another human being is multiplied dramatically in front of a group, which becomes an instant firing squad. Our normal coping mechanisms become useless when a sea of eyes evokes in us feelings of separation from the herd. We experience primal for fear for our survival, and naturally project contempt, boredom, or impatience.

Why public speaking anxiety is a Godsend

Contraction in front of groups, from mild self-consciousness to terror, is but a symptom of the illusion of separation most of us grew up with and live with. The Speaking Circle format recreates a scenario that predictably evokes that contraction, absent the pressures of time or effort or performance, or even the need to speak. This allows participants to breathe, “stop the world” and re-access, at their own pace, the natural relational gaze with one person at a time that had been compromised early on in order to survive.

This Relational Presence practice rewires our neural pathways, liberating the eyes and dissolving self-consciousness in just a few sessions for many. Once we rediscover the capacity to inhabit our own skin while being seen by a group for who we really are, we naturally express ourselves with more ease, power and flow. And not just with groups, but more and more in all our communications and relationships.

This is why Relational Presence, though primarily a spiritual practice toward dissolving the illusion of separation, has great professional development benefits.

The Facilitation Factor

The Speaking Circle format does require masterful facilitation to maintain the delicate balance between safety and full expression required for liftoff. Continuing to refine my mastery, and training others in this exquisite art, is a lifelong labor of love. (Our other Facilitator trainers are Dr. Doreen Hamilton here in the S.F. Bay Area, and Koos Wolcken and Jennet Burghard in the Netherlands.)

Facilitating Speaking Circles and training Facilitators is my most profound pleasure and usefulness on this plane of existence, and it was all made possible (and necessary) by my public speaking anxiety.

Yes, what a Godsend!

Using RP in Moments of Truth

Early this week I posted Doreen Hamilton's article on the Speaking Circle Facilitator weblog, about how Relational Presence works wonders in life situations that may otherwise by fraught with tensions. Five minutes after making that post, I received an email from a SC participant dramatically demonstrating that point. Here, with permission of the writer, is that email. Below that is Doreen's post.

"My company announced yesterday that my division is being sold. We were then told that some of us would be invited to interview at the acquiring company. My interview was today and I just got home. It was a bit a of a high pressure situation, and a cool experience. I had sat down with a manager, when their Vice President came in and said he wanted to sit in on my interview. Then the manager promptly asked me the first question. Guess what I did? I took a breath! And I maintained Relational Presence with him and the VP during the whole time. This was such a departure from how I probably would have handled it in the past. I extremely value the experience I have been getting with the Speaking Circles. When I left, I got that good vibe that you get when you know that you've 'made the sale.'"

DOREEN'S POST:

We all know that Relational Presence is an ongoing practice that can be part of living more consciously every moment of every day. As Facilitators we apply this amazing process in Speaking Circles to help people transform their fear of speaking in groups, but we are also introducing people to a new way of being in the world. Many participants soon realize the value that RP has beyond the reduction of their speaking anxiety. One specific and challenging instance where we can apply this new-found ability to be with another person is in conflict situations.

In our groups, we instruct our members to simply be with one other person no matter what the discomfort is. We guide them to be gently available for connection and to listen with an appreciation for the essence of another. By allowing words to emerge at their own pace, people find that their expressions have more depth and honesty. By “speaking into the listening” what they have to say can be delivered in a way that can be heard. The basic RP instructions when remembered and implemented during times of conflict can facilitate greater understanding between two people who are in a disagreement as well as two countries that are at war.

We first need to be willing and committed to stepping into RP regardless of the emotions that may be arising. Not trying to change them, but to be with them and with the person who might be triggering those unpleasant sensations is the goal. Since we believe that a positive connection among all things already exists, we can stand in that knowledge and treat it as a possibility, even though we are tempted to disengage and blame or accuse or fight. Come back and keep coming back to RP and trust there is a channel of connection that is there…somewhere.

To listen from the heart, tune into and appreciate the essence of the other allows for a positive regard to manifest itself. From this open, expansive place of RP, the right words can be like a healing balm that soothes and calms the frustrated and agitated self. The soul can then be remembered. With insight, a new clarity is achieved, forgiveness is possible, and peace is realized. We all know that Relational Presence is an ongoing practice that can be part of living more consciously every moment of every day. As Facilitators we apply this amazing process in Speaking Circles to help people transform their fear of speaking in groups, but we are also introducing people to a new way of being in the world.

Many participants soon realize the value that RP has beyond the reduction of their speaking anxiety. One specific and challenging instance where we can apply this new-found ability to be with another person is in conflict situations. In our groups, we instruct our members to simply be with one other person no matter what the discomfort is. We guide them to be gently available for connection and to listen with an appreciation for the essence of another. By allowing words to emerge at their own pace, people find that their expressions have more depth and honesty. By “speaking into the listening” what they have to say can be delivered in a way that can be heard.

The basic RP instructions when remembered and implemented during times of conflict can facilitate greater understanding between two people who are in a disagreement as well as two countries that are at war. We first need to be willing and committed to stepping into RP regardless of the emotions that may be arising. Not trying to change them, but to be with them and with the person who might be triggering those unpleasant sensations is the goal. Since we believe that a positive connection among all things already exists, we can stand in that knowledge and treat it as a possibility, even though we are tempted to disengage and blame or accuse or fight.

Come back and keep coming back to RP and trust there is a channel of connection that is there … somewhere. To listen from the heart, tune into and appreciate the essence of the other allows for a positive regard to manifest itself. From this open, expansive place of RP, the right words can be like a healing balm that soothes and calms the frustrated and agitated self. The soul can then be remembered. With insight, a new clarity is achieved, forgiveness is possible, and peace is realized.